You can’t do this alone.
You are in a crowd, yet by yourself for where you want to go. You struggle, do a little better, then backslide to where you were before and feel guilty about it.
Realize that you can’t be or do what you are destined to alone. You need God, but God sends guidance in a physical form. In a human form. God did that with His Son but He also does that by sending people into your life to teach, guide, direct and correct you.
You need to go to church. It probably just walking distance from your house, or maybe takes two hours driving to another city but you have to go. Yes, you’ve got some problems with the church because it is made up of people with flaws. Even the preachers, they do have flaws too. You won’t find a perfect church or a perfect preacher but you can find one that’s perfect for you.
You can’t do this alone. You need guidance, teaching and example in a human form. You must do three things.
You must find the person who is right for you to teach and lead you where you want to go. I recommend you find someone whose life is where you want yours to be. No one’s life is perfect but some are certainly better than others. Find someone who has SUCCESSFULLY gotten their life in order the way you want yours.
Look, if you knew it all or had the right answer, you wouldn’t be in this mess. Recognize that you need to submit yourself to the leadership of another. To truly change you, they may say some things that will make you mad. Both truth and change often hurts. Medicine is usually bitter.
Stop your own headstrong independent thinking and realize that maybe you just need to do things differently and listen and follow someone else with wisdom for a change. That’s a key… “for a change.”
It will take time. You didn’t get in this overnight and you won’t get out overnight. It will take time.
Don’t get discouraged, hang in there. It takes 90 days of doing something different to break a habit and form a new habit. Hang in there. You can’t do it alone…but then you are not alone.